This discussion sure got crazy though! But she can also at any time change her mind and he has no recourse. Plus Ive noticed that the more calm and rational you keep your comment, the less likely the truly crazies ones are to even respond to you at all. I think that the thing to keep in mind is that the angry ranters are really just a very vocal minority. April 9, 2012, 4:51 pm. However, my father got primary physical placement, and my mother got 4 hours of visitation a week, and THAT is what dictated child support (or would have if she could have afforded to pay it). But then, I guess I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Mmmhmm, I thought so. i thought that was a bit harsh as well although her anger is unjustified, shes actually just reacting the same way 99% of people would do in that same situation. Yea, it does sound even more ridiculous today. Well be together forever no matter what. is thrown around just to get in some dumb girls pants just as often as I wont get pregnant. is thrown around to trap ignorant dumbasses. female A guy does have every right to tell her look, Im not ready to do this. I think we can all agree that the safest thing for men to do is to simply masturbate alone, while wearing a condom. I mean, hey, we certainly couldnt be any more careless or reckless with this precious gift than women keep on proving to be, landygirl A LW comment would at least help me to believe its valid. Yeah, I believe that means he must be., I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating.. Dude, get away from this guy pronto! Itll be hard work, but I genuinely think it can be done. Is this Twilight, for Gods sake? I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. I feel like a part of me has died . She came first. Thats my advice. April 10, 2012, 4:51 pm. Hell, given the entitlement and lack of boundaries displayed in your letter, itll probably be your life no matter what. It really isnt fair, but that doesnt mean we have to make it more unfair. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Trying to force someone to get an abortion? but all those prominent male politicians usually turn out to be gay and not hetero at all.. bittergaymark Chopper jump on another severe cold day with the right hand exposed to activate the reserve chute. Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. The dude having sex is not my issue. Youre wrong. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. The plain truth is your boyfriend did not think about the consequences of unprotected sex (STDs anyone?) Seriously, doesnt anyone get off on oral anymore? OH MY GOD!! You mean, he should be able to decide whether or not hes emotionally distant and vacant from the life he had equal part in creating? April 9, 2012, 7:11 pm. Does this mean, then, that you advocate that every woman who ever gets pregnant must (a) have the child and (b) stay with the father, lest she be scum? Lets start a familyyou know, if the condom doesnt work. Is the same thing going through a womans mind when she decides to have sex? New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Doesnt interest me. April 9, 2012, 1:05 pm. landygirl He had a FWB relationship with a girl and always used condoms. But it is a dickish move to get someone pregnant and then decide youre not going to be involved in that childs life. Just sayin there are options, oral being only one of them. Men should be held at least halfway responsible for the resulting pregnancy and child but should have no authority to decide upon his involvement. Pardon me, butare you fucking KIDDING me?! Men and women have control over conception on the front end of the decision- and a woman is stuck with the pregnancy. He begged me not to go, but I left anyway because I didnt think things would change and I wanted him to see what life was like without me in hopes hed run after me. As much as men have some inherent advantages, women do as well, and one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met. I dont feel anyone should be forced to be a part of a childs life. April 10, 2012, 5:16 pm. If he was the kinda guy that decided he wanted to be in his childs life every 5 years when it was convenient and made promises that he never kept and lost interest after a while, that would be seriously damaging to that childs sense of self-worth. Hes made a choice. So, let it be over. However, if a woman has sex with a man, she can make all the choices and decisions, force palimony, and essentially treat that man as their financial slave for the next 18 years. when i was single i acted as if the other people i was involved with werent thinking about it. just as she has the responsibility not to lie. Just reduces the chances. Iwannatalktosampson rainbow April 9, 2012, 9:30 pm. The waiter has no idea that she has a severe allergy to peanuts, so doesnt tell the kitchen to change gloves when preparing her meal. Furthest from the vagina, just saying. April 10, 2012, 5:53 pm, Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. Argh. Reviewing this the next day, Im even less convinced that the letter is real Id be happy for signs otherwise but assuming it is, thats good advice. 1. You have to grow up and stop this childish immature desiring for a man who keeps you hanging around. Hes responsible for the choices that brought him where he is now. April 9, 2012, 1:00 pm. Nice try. Malarky. Stay with someone he dislikes because she became pregnant? Recently he ended the affair and told this woman to have no further contact. And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. Now hes going to have to deal with it, even if he wants nothing to do with the childhis wallet will. She told him she got pregnant on the pill, which I think is a lot of cod wallopBut I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable. April 9, 2012, 11:40 am. So the fact that none of your good friends have HIV (which is good to hear) doesnt necessarily mean that they are more capable of using a condom than the heterosexuals you know. Because she accidentally got pregnant with his child? April 9, 2012, 4:55 pm. Because he should have known she could have gotten pregnant! lets_be_honest Merely that it is an immense expense for the man for a situation that he didnt want a situation which, as I said, the woman is never forced to endure. It happens, some people are incredibly fertile. I think that gives you a little time to get on her good side and work on those shortcomings. I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. I spoke with him a second time after many missed calls and he seemed really upset about his situation and begged me to talk to him. Oh, good lord. Chuck Pelto Though some women seem to believe that is the case. And he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes. Doesnt matter if the owner of cocacola sat down with you and discussed the possible risk of opening a bottle and what you would both do if something went wrong. Eh, he knows where babies come from and there are plenty of ways to have an amazing sexual experience that absolutely cannot result in anyone getting pregnant. And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom. But clearly this woman who is keeping her child DOES really want the child and is presumably prepared to handle all that comes with having a child. I think theyre unfair in the same way that I feel its unfair to prevent women from having abortions, but thatss beside the point. reader, TELLULAH+, writes (25 January 2008): A April 11, 2012, 11:50 am. But, you allowed him to call and you were hoping he had changed. Women are more easily able to get custody? what if you were pregnant, LW scenario thats been mentioned). Hi. Why should she abort the baby I mean come on. But let me make a few suggestions Steve. In my opinion, even if the baby turns out to not be his, hes already shown his true colors; and theyre pretty yellow. I honestly dont care if he did or didnt. You dont want his problems. I do believe that many accidental pregnancies are not so accidental, but that is all the more reason for people who engage in casual sex, and are dead set against having kids, to do everything in their power to avoid having them! I do not think he has a duty to be there for the child he never wanted and made it known he did not want to have with time to do something about it. April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. Its one thing that he says he will pay for it (Im assuming this means child support), but a true father doesnt just look at this as a once a month payment for 18 years. I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. I feel in a way he is essentially giving the child up for adoptionto the mother who wants the child. We were back and forth and it was very frustrating for me so I gave him an ultimatum I told him that he either wanted to make it work and we move forward, or, that I was leaving to another city to start over without him. Like its a big shock that birth control can fail, that people can lie about using birth control, that women get to choose whether they want to keep their children and that he law requires men to financially support their children whether they want them or not. She gets to decide whether she keeps the baby or not. April 9, 2012, 2:37 pm, Well, its always possible that shes NOT in her right mind. April 10, 2012, 6:21 pm, And yet men still keep having sex with us. When you have a child with someone you will have to deal with them FOREVER. At least with adopted children, they usually have one or two great parents who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption. reader, Junebug2589+, writes (22 November 2008): A Part of the reason I feel no one should be forced to be a parent is that those who are forced to be parents often cause the most lasting damage to the children. What can you change? Answer (1 of 11): I am an older lady. Its like the universe is all conspiring against us! Babies are malarky. Documents were drawn up by said lawyers. Until thats legally extended as you propose any man who doesnt exercise that option has no one to blame but himself when he becomes a parent. I think its the first time I am hearing someone smear another person for NOT having an abortion. He could be imaginary. My heart broke into a million pieces. Take it from me, every man screws up at some point. Having a man use that as his birth control would be as idiotic as a women using dont worry, Ill just pull out as hers. Deadly, sure, but not highly infectious. And, again, this is common except with those inflicted with social disorders who cant seem to not say exactly what theyre thinking. SMDH! Any advice on this would be appreciated as Im so confused and hurt. If you want something different, you must do something different. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. Is it fair the the woman has to be the one to undergo a surgical, often time traumatic procedure when a man can just move and disappear? The kid isnt a rapist, the mother is. Abortion is safe and legal, right? We . Dr. Sherry. Whether that be by having the child, supporting the child, adoption, abortion, whatever. While youre at it make sure to pop out a few more kids yourself, too. I was thinking this letter was going to be juicy!! The fact that all this happened doesnt mean hes some despicable jackass.. A forty-year-old man knows exactly how women get pregnant and how to avoid that if he absolutely doesnt want a baby. Im not so sure why he isnt allowed to be angry at her decision to keep the baby. April 9, 2012, 12:24 pm. And as far as that man saying that he wants nothing to do with the woman or THE BABY shame on him. And do some growing up before you get involved with someone else. He can be one he better be one- and still be a loyal partner to you. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. We've joined the BHM Digital family of websites and have updated our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Now this is really petty, but I'm planning to post a picture of me and my boyfriend for her to see. April 10, 2012, 6:08 pm. Men get to abandon freely and pay no child support if they dont want anything to do with the kid? Maybe that outrage will be the catalyst for you to start a political career in order to change these laws that you feel are so unfair. lets_be_honest And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother). What do you think happens to the fetus? And WHY did he not practice safe sex since he only knew her 2 minutes? Everyone needs to quit having sex and then saying they hate or cant stand that person. savannah They were broken up so he had no obligation to the LW. Landygirl, I think we should stop feeding the trolls. SpaceySteph unfortunately, ive seen more than one person take pills the wrong way (whether it be because they forget, dont take it at exactly the same time, dont pay attention to warnings about drug interactions, etc). You can leave this dude, try to learn to live life on your own, try to show compassion toward your fellow women, and try to learn to identify unhealthy relationships straight away, before you find yourself embroiled in more soap-opera style theatrics. Drugs was just one theory to how she got that way. religiously wear condoms. Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right? Why do you want to be with such a douchenozzle? April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. Not because there was anything wrong with me or because I didnt deserve a father or because I wasnt lovable she was always sure to explain that it was his deficits that kept him from being a part of my life. You are talking as if a decision to terminate a pregnancy is as easy as taking out the garbage, as if there are no consequences to it whatsoever. I simply had to chime in here as this is what I do for a living and so many people are sadly misinformed. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. I dont think a relationship with the other woman will work but at the same time Id run from a man who wants nothing to do with their own child. April 9, 2012, 9:19 pm, Note I said 99% of PEOPLE in that situation, not women. Your choice. So what? So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum? so many unwanted and unplanned pregnancies could be prevented if people just showed more interested and care in using birth control. Dude, thats seriously out of line. Im not exactly sure that the one million people currently estimated to be living in the U.S. would agree with you, but I am fairly certain the 500,000 dead definitely wouldnt. Consider the consequences or dont. Theyre the exact same situation, but for some reason, hes scum. Men get a say in abortions? Really!? A better comparison would be a woman abandoning her child in a shelter, etc- and while Im happy there is an option for truly desperate people (who often have major issues, mental illness, abuse, etc), I do think that doing that rather than going through a traditional adoption channel is a pretty scummy thing to do. Problem. Thats shitty. Its probably best hes not in the kids life anyway. No law can change the fact that whatever choice a man or woman in this position makes, the woman has the burden of actually carrying out the birth or abortion. But I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable.. I think hes scum because 1.- he asked the other woman to have an abortion and 2.- now hes mad that she didnt. April 10, 2012, 10:20 pm. Jimmy has made his choice. Iwannatalktosampson Its not right Im sure I wouldnt. You wouldnt need to administer it. Come on, though Three times? Someone else has assumed it. You know, if he was tricked its not surprising that he would say these things. That way you and only YOU get to decide which woman you deign to procreate with. But really, no one knows his true reaction. Though Ill grant you one concession: Not having this man in a childs life might be a blessing in disguise. I mean, I know guys are suppose to stick up for guys, but come on.. No, honey, I am not and I dont believe HmC is either. April 9, 2012, 10:29 am. It doesnt involve any weird semi-involvement; but rather a clean break for the child and a chance to build a happy, loving life with a set of great parents. Actually, the most powerful and damaging ever dont Gingrich, Cheney, Santorum, and Bush spring to mind. When all of our comments are just reiterations of the same sentiment it can get boring. All I could think about when I read this letter was what an awful situation that child is going to be exposed to, through no fault of his/her own. This is my first time posting on here but I really need some advice. Im surprised that you guys dont recognize Chuck. Problem. Personally, I think they should be given a one-time option to opt-out if the woman wants to keep the child and the man doesnt. I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. Sounds like its coming out of the starting blocks with two strikes against it in the gene pool department. we broke up and he got another girl pregnant. Maam, hes made a choice. I wish there was some way he could have prevented himself from ejaculating into a woman if only there was some way he could have arranged that some way for him to have control over his reproductive material or the choice of woman or the choice to ejaculate at all if only the poor man no choice in the matter AT ALL But coke didnt mean for its bottle to explode and take your arm off either. You want to work on your social skills. Imagine that you get to design a law that will allow fairness no matter which of these happens. They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, clickHERE! Your boyfriend made his choice when he had unprotected sex. All I can say is therapy. But early on, this is not an inevitable outcome, and if only one person wants the child, the other should be able to not be obligated.